A SATYA CONFESSION TO MYSELF
—— Ram Gopal Varma

By the time SATYA was rolling to an end , while watching it 2 days back for 1st time after 27 yrs, I started choking with tears rolling down my cheeks and I dint care if anyone would see
The tears were not just for the film, but were more for what happened since

Making a film is like giving birth to a child originating from throes of passion without truly realising what kind of a child I am giving birth to
That’s because a film is made in in bits and pieces without one really knowing what’s being made and when it is ready the concentration is on what others are saying about it and after that ,whether it’s a hit or not, I  move on too obsessed with what’s next to reflect and understand the beauty of what i myself created

Till 2 days back I ignored the countless inspirations it sparked by dismissing it as just another step in my journey towards an objective less destination

Coming back to the hotel after the screening of SATYA, and sitting in the dark i I din’t understand why with all my so called intelligence, I did not  set this film as a benchmark for whatever I should  do in the future
I also realised I didn’t just cry for the tragedy in that film but I also cried in joy for that version of myself  .. And I cried in guilt for my betrayals of all those who trusted me due to SATYA

I became drunk not on alcohol but on my own success and my arrogance though I didn’t know this till 2 days back
When the bright lights of a RANGEELA  or a SATYA blinded me, i lost my vision and that explains my meandering into making films for shock value or for gimmick effect or to make a vulgar display of my technical wizardry or various other things equally meaningless and in that careless process,  forgetting such a simple truth that technique utmost can elevate a given content but it can’t carry it  .

Some of my later films might have been successful but I do not believe that any of them had the same honesty and integrity which is in SATYA

My very unique vision that drove me to create something path breaking in cinema also blinded me to the value of what i myself made and I became a man hurriedly running so fast looking up towards the horizon.  that I forgot to look down at the garden I’d planted beneath my feet , and that explains my various falls from grace

I obviously can’t make any amends now for what I already did , but i promised myself 2 nights back while wiping away my tears , that every film I make from now onwards will be made with a reverence towards why I wanted to become a director in the 1st place

I might not be able to make a film like SATYA ever again , but not even having an intention to do so is an unpardonable crime against Cinema

I don’t mean that I should keep making films like SATYA but irrespective of the genre or the subject matter the least it should have is the sincerity of SATYA

When Francis Coppola was asked by an interviewer about a film he made after GODFATHER, whether it will be as good , I could see him squirming because i could see that it din’t occur to him

No one asked me about any film I was about to make post SATYA whether it will be as good,  but what’s worse is  that I din’t ask myself

I so wish I could go back in time and made this one cardinal rule for myself , that before deciding on any film to make , I should  watch SATYA once again… If I followed that rule I am sure I would not have made 90% of the films I made since then

I truly mean this as a wake up call to every film maker , who just gets carried away in self indulgence due to his own state of mind at any given moment without measuring it against the standards set by either themselves or others

Finally now i took a vow that whatever little of my life is left , I want to spend it sincerely and create something as worthy as SATYA and this truth I swear on SATYA